BIRTHDAY, DEATH & GRIEVING

I have a Birthday approaching and while I appreciate that I have good health, good friends, and loving family it is hard to celebrate without feeling guilty. I find myself feeling guilty about feeling good about my age and turning another year older. It is because my Birthday is so close to my Son's date of death. Even though it has been several years every Summer I find myself reliving that Summer, day by day, week by week of the Summer his death took place. I can remember in detail that Summer's celebrations. The sounds, songs, etc... of that day and week play over and over in my head.  If I hear a familiar sounds or songs it starts all over again. Everytime I see a butterfly or dragonfly I think of Mike. Mike used to hang out in my garden with me admiring the hummingbirds, butterflies, and dragonflies. He once held out his hand extending his finger and a Monarch Butterfly landed on his finger. I remember crying when it happened. I cried with joy that he was so beautiful and gentle in his soul that the butterfly recognized it and acknowledged it. Mike was the type of young man that always wanted to help those in need and go out of his way to make others feel good about themselves. Mike was very close to his sister and a week before his death he came to me telling me he did not know why but, something was making him feel uncomfortable inside and that he wanted to make sure his sister and I was taken care of. Mike was a computer geek making two thousand dollars before he turned sixteen on his computer to buy his own car. He had enrolled in a college to further his endeavors in computer science and told me he was going to makes lots of money to make sure his family was taken care of and wanted for nothing. I miss him so much and think of him everyday. I know I will be with him again one day and will do my best to not feel guilty about turning another year older without him. I Love you Michael!!!